Addiction as a disease

Learning about what behinds every man's thought have always intrigued me. Sometimes i use myself as a lab rat or other people around me. I think it is quite normal for someone who has always been curious about human minds.

Yesterday i saw a TV show about addiction. Yes I still watched TV. Addiction to shopping, sex, adrenaline rush etc works the same way as addiction to drugs. The effort to fulfill the addiction, the rush, and the guilt feeling after it is done is very typical to all addiction. And also there is a doctor that said it is very common that sexual abuse at a very young age could have caused that. Although that is not always the case.

Still it is still interesting stuff to know. It turns out everyone has addiction to one or more things that he or she may acknowledge of. Even I had a few addiction I need to fix. Little habits such as buying shampoo when there is a new brand on the market, or soaps. Buying stationary that I might need someday. Which piles up and fill all my room to live. I never realized that until I saw that TV show. And it has never been such a big deal when I live in the big family who always runs out of soap and shampoo. It started to pile up when all my brothers are married and out of the house. My Dad passed away too. Now sometimes I bought things more than I can consume.

Not just buying though, sometimes you get bonuses from suppliers and I tend to keep them too. Until someday I had to move out from the house to an apartment only to find... stuffs. Lots of stuff to empty. I just realized that I had 100 boxes of detergent, 100 pouches of dish washing liquid and yes I am lowering the number because I can't really count it. It was more than that. I had became a hoarder.

The thing about those stuff though. The all had an expiry date and I end up using lots of expired products. That sucks

The month of June

This is my favorite month. I love this month.  I was born in this month.

I have been listening to podcast lately. I have to train myself to be positive. Force it into a habit.

And also I started exercising regularly to shed some weight.
Make it a habit I will cherish within a year.

What's your resolution for this month?

Stop

Stop feeling sorry for your self,  you are not the only one suffering in this world.

And I know you are not that weak, don't make your self weak.

Fear

Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes you keep them so deep inside, you would not know it's there.
But it will come out eventually...

My dad passed away almost 2 years ago. That time I thought my nightmare is over. I was wrong.
I thought Mom and I can handle everything and be happy finally. I was wrong again.

It took me almost 2 years to feel what Mom had felt last year. Fear of what might have happen ahead. Mom thought her favourite son will took her under his wings and we will be ok. After all the favourite son takes most of the family property including the warehouse, shop and a house because my dad trusted him. Not to mention the cars. Well, she is wrong too...

It was end of January in the year of 2015, Mom tried to ask about an asset that he borrows. That day I got kicked out of his house. Hard to swallow for me, mom passed out twice that day right in front of him. Just when she is getting better, she sink deeper again. Life is not fair, get used to it...

We moved into a small apartment near our shop and she can't stop crying every night. She can't believe that someone her age does not have a decent house to live in. My dad gave all his money to him, so all the assets is for him.

The last time I heard, he is having a relationship with a nightclub singer/drug addict which he cheated his first wife on and introduced her as a mom for his 3 children.

It hit her hard, way too hard that she can handle. From the shame that she didn't have a house and so disappointed with his choice. She though he is way smarter than this.  She went deep into depression and anxiety attacks come every now and then. It is very exhausting.

Last year, big bro started taking us out in most Sundays. It helps her a little to see someone else but me. To hear other people's thought and just forget about daily lives once in a while. But she needs more.

I guess I have to admit there are days that I am afraid I can not provide better for my mom.
Better than my big bro provide for his wife
Better than my other bro provide for his bitch

And maybe someday I don't have to be the only child my mom had...

Now that I brought my fear up, I hope I can just throw it away. This fear ain't gonna help me. Move on and bring out the best

Reflecting

So today bitterness come. Been quite used to it lately. Seeing other people doing better than me and somehow feel crappy. Although I know doing things the right way is better for the long term, still...
That feelings linger...

Sometimes you just want an instant result. Not because you don't believe in the outcome, but because other bad people getting instant result and showing it off.

Childish?

Maybe

But aren't we all?

All I really want in life is freedom to travel to places I never been to.
Learning languages along the way.
Learn to dance in Barcelona.

Or just learn to chill by the beach seizing every moment.

Instead I am stuck.

This blog is not all about positive things. There are times that I feel so low. You can just skip them.

It is all about me

Have you ever felt so confused in life that you just don't know what you should do?

Well that happens to me for a few days now. And still don't know what to do.

Let me introduce myself to you, my name is Jane Porter
I really love reading self improvement books and also books about the brain.
I have so many passions that i just lose count. My passion is mostly like any other Jane Doe. I love sewing, knitting, writing, making videos, cooking, teaching, learning languages, exploring new smartphones, building systems, gardening, experimenting with stuff,yoga, aromatherapy, learning about herbs for health, gym etc.

None of them reached to the top for now

So this blog will be filled with various stuff, some you may like and some you may not.

If you do like my post please comment or something, tell me about yourself.

Are you feeling the same thing as I do or you may have a solution for that. Do let me know.

I hope you enjoy this blog as much as I am writing it