Fear

Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes you keep them so deep inside, you would not know it's there.
But it will come out eventually...

My dad passed away almost 2 years ago. That time I thought my nightmare is over. I was wrong.
I thought Mom and I can handle everything and be happy finally. I was wrong again.

It took me almost 2 years to feel what Mom had felt last year. Fear of what might have happen ahead. Mom thought her favourite son will took her under his wings and we will be ok. After all the favourite son takes most of the family property including the warehouse, shop and a house because my dad trusted him. Not to mention the cars. Well, she is wrong too...

It was end of January in the year of 2015, Mom tried to ask about an asset that he borrows. That day I got kicked out of his house. Hard to swallow for me, mom passed out twice that day right in front of him. Just when she is getting better, she sink deeper again. Life is not fair, get used to it...

We moved into a small apartment near our shop and she can't stop crying every night. She can't believe that someone her age does not have a decent house to live in. My dad gave all his money to him, so all the assets is for him.

The last time I heard, he is having a relationship with a nightclub singer/drug addict which he cheated his first wife on and introduced her as a mom for his 3 children.

It hit her hard, way too hard that she can handle. From the shame that she didn't have a house and so disappointed with his choice. She though he is way smarter than this.  She went deep into depression and anxiety attacks come every now and then. It is very exhausting.

Last year, big bro started taking us out in most Sundays. It helps her a little to see someone else but me. To hear other people's thought and just forget about daily lives once in a while. But she needs more.

I guess I have to admit there are days that I am afraid I can not provide better for my mom.
Better than my big bro provide for his wife
Better than my other bro provide for his bitch

And maybe someday I don't have to be the only child my mom had...

Now that I brought my fear up, I hope I can just throw it away. This fear ain't gonna help me. Move on and bring out the best